GO BACK TO SLEEP

Mood: Frustrated
Listening to: APC - Counting Bodies Like Sheep

Daily Lottery Loser

I'm just waiting for something to go right in my day today. Waiting isn't doing me any good but it's really all I can do. I can't reach across the table, grab all the chips and pull them over to my side. I suppose I could try to change my attitude, but lately I think it's had more of a mind of its own. Whatever that saying thing goes about a calm head prevails or whatever isn't bullshit, it's just damn near impossible when emotions are driving the bus.

I signed my life away on maternity leave today. I'm so bitter about the whole situation I can't even explain it properly. YES I understand there are plenty of businesses out there that don't offer such wonderful benefits. YES I understand that many of the employees who have been there longer than me didn't have the opportunities that I have. I really do understand all of that. But do I really care? Not so much. It doesn't affect me. I do care that the night before I get my benefits straightened out the policy was changed. I do care that when I come back to work I will have no vacation left to take care of a baby who will most likely get sick between then and October. I feel shafted by our "wonderful" benefit package and I feel like a fucking moron for breaking down into tears in the HR office today. Gah.

So apparently I've reached the 30 day milestone .... it's hard to believe but at the same time I'm SO EXCITED to meet this little person. I want to see what she looks like and hear what her little voice sounds like. I also want to be able to bend over forward completely and not go UUNNNGGGHHH!!!! when trying to get off the couch. I want to put the cute baby clothes to use and I want to experience the hours of cuddle time the three of us are going to have. Right now I must be in denial about how much pain I'm going to go through to get to that point. There just isn't any doubt in my mind about the worth of the trouble.

I never would have known that fear and hope could so flawlessly fit together. I just have so much of both at the same time. I can't pick an emotion that sticks out more. There is no dread. I look at the tiny baby pictures of my nephew and how sweet it all seemed and even though I know it wasn't easy and there was agony I do know that wonderful things come in these small packages. Everything you could ever hope for in one tiny screaming purple wiggle of a human being.

Little. Baby. Girl.