Transitions
Mood: Anxious borderline psycho
Listening to: Moldy oldies (for the last time)
Huh.
I have been neglecting my blog again, and for very good reason. We've been so busy sorting out our life and our things that I haven't had much time to sit back and reflect. It's sad really because sometimes I write these things in my head and never get a chance to actually get it out in words. I've missed some pretty good stuff. Good to me anyway.
Soon my Midcontinent service will be canceled and my account will go away - and since it hosts this particular weblog, it too will vanish. Which is pretty symbolic because most of what has been said here is old, and part of a different life. I spent my years in Bismarck growing up. I'll be spending my grown up time somewhere else. I can't tell you how sad I am to leave Bismarck. I have a lot of memories of this place. Some I am more than happy to leave behind and others I will keep with me for as long as I have the memory to keep them.
I used to think I was thrilled to leave the Tribune. But the fact is, I like what I do right now and I am sad to leave it behind. It was hard to deal with some of the people there, but I always liked having the opportunity to be creative and learn something new. I have made some friendships that I know I will hang on to. Others not so much.
I am having a hard time looking forward to my next 'adventures' in MN. I should be excited, because most people I talk to are excited about it. They say "How great for you!" and I'm not quite at that stage yet. Currently I'm more sad to leave.
Blargh!
On the flip side (because I need one right now) I am moving closer to a friend that I have had longer than any other. More opportunities. More entertainment. I'll be away from the bubble of Bismarck, where everybody knows everybody's business. The larger version of Minot.
So when I get there, I hope to make a new start, and a new web page. Complete with a new blog about the new adventures in my amazing life. I don't know how long this page will be up, but do expect it to vanish soon. Those of you whom I keep in touch with will be notified of a new address in the future.
And if you want to keep in contact with me when my main email address goes away, please don't hesitate to write me at wendy-cass@excite.com. Go write that down.
Also, our Julia page will probably have bad picture links until I move all the photos to another server. We'll fix it when it breaks I promise.
I have made a lot of mischief and made a lot of messes, but the important things I made are those that will follow me wherever I go. Everything else just doesn't matter.
.... And by the way
September 14, 2005
Two years of bliss and every dream I could have ever dreamt come true. I love Rob.
9.22.2005
8.29.2005
8.23.2005
IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN
....When I actually update this mother.
Things have been going well for the most part. Motherhood has found me digging into the vault of my Childhood Songs memory and so far I have only recovered There Was An Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly and This Old Man.
I still haven't quite figured out why she swallowed the fly.
Julia doesn't mind the repetition but I am wishing I could think of more - or at least come up with some different words. Maybe the old woman could swallow some of my cooking. Perhaps she'll die. Wouldn't surprise me!
The little Stinky has been having a good time lately. After the first day of day care she took to it like an old pro and I think she might have enjoyed herself. She likes watching kids play and enjoys being outside, so I think she had a good time. It is almost too bad the 2 weeks was cut short, but I am glad that she's back home with daddy and I can come home at lunch and see them both. I am pretty sure I had a worse time leaving her than she had with me being gone.
We went to the zoo on Saturday and had a nice time. It was a beautiful day and the animals were out playing because it wasn't too hot. Julia watched the otters and maybe saw a monkey or two in the monkey house. The tigers were cute too. It was a very nice day.
Baby poop is a very serious issue in our house. I've never been so excited about it or spoken so openly about it in my life. It is a good thing when it happens and a relief for everyone involved (heh heh get it? Relief!). Which is probably more than anyone ever wanted to know...
And suddenly we are "those" kind of parents. Egad. Someone slap me.
The reality of a possibility of moving has been hitting me lately. There is so much to worry about and I have been trying to find more to worry about. It's like I don't have a hobby or enough to do or something. Nothing is 'for sure' and it's not like we won't go through every thing before it happens. The reality is that it is going to be eventually, not necessarily in the next 6 weeks. At least that's where it stands at this moment. Next week I might be singing a different tune. Or screaming a different "concern" as Rob likes me to call them.
I am going to make one hell of a housewife. I haven't figured out if it is hell in a good sense or hell in a 'how the hell do you expect me to eat THAT?!" kind of a sense. And again, only time will tell and it won't be forever. Gah.
We are planning a trip to Minot this weekend. I hope that Rob is going to go too. It will be nice to get back - it seems like it has been forever. Hopefully Julia handles it better than she did last time.
Oh I better get back to it. Enjoy some pictures :)
....When I actually update this mother.
Things have been going well for the most part. Motherhood has found me digging into the vault of my Childhood Songs memory and so far I have only recovered There Was An Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly and This Old Man.
I still haven't quite figured out why she swallowed the fly.
Julia doesn't mind the repetition but I am wishing I could think of more - or at least come up with some different words. Maybe the old woman could swallow some of my cooking. Perhaps she'll die. Wouldn't surprise me!
The little Stinky has been having a good time lately. After the first day of day care she took to it like an old pro and I think she might have enjoyed herself. She likes watching kids play and enjoys being outside, so I think she had a good time. It is almost too bad the 2 weeks was cut short, but I am glad that she's back home with daddy and I can come home at lunch and see them both. I am pretty sure I had a worse time leaving her than she had with me being gone.
We went to the zoo on Saturday and had a nice time. It was a beautiful day and the animals were out playing because it wasn't too hot. Julia watched the otters and maybe saw a monkey or two in the monkey house. The tigers were cute too. It was a very nice day.
Baby poop is a very serious issue in our house. I've never been so excited about it or spoken so openly about it in my life. It is a good thing when it happens and a relief for everyone involved (heh heh get it? Relief!). Which is probably more than anyone ever wanted to know...
And suddenly we are "those" kind of parents. Egad. Someone slap me.
The reality of a possibility of moving has been hitting me lately. There is so much to worry about and I have been trying to find more to worry about. It's like I don't have a hobby or enough to do or something. Nothing is 'for sure' and it's not like we won't go through every thing before it happens. The reality is that it is going to be eventually, not necessarily in the next 6 weeks. At least that's where it stands at this moment. Next week I might be singing a different tune. Or screaming a different "concern" as Rob likes me to call them.
I am going to make one hell of a housewife. I haven't figured out if it is hell in a good sense or hell in a 'how the hell do you expect me to eat THAT?!" kind of a sense. And again, only time will tell and it won't be forever. Gah.
We are planning a trip to Minot this weekend. I hope that Rob is going to go too. It will be nice to get back - it seems like it has been forever. Hopefully Julia handles it better than she did last time.
Oh I better get back to it. Enjoy some pictures :)
7.29.2005
CONFESSIONS
Sometimes I make quotation marks with my hands. I do it for emphasis sometimes. It isn't as bad as the character Chris Farley used to play. I?don' t"over use" them. I?don't "look stupid" while doing it. At least I don't think I do.
I absolutely hate it when people end a sentence with the word 'so'. I never know what the person intends with using it. Do you hang around and wait for them to finish their sentence/thought? ... Do you finish it for them? Walk away? A person wouldn't write something and then end it with 'so...', why would you say it? ... DUMB.
I have had fingernails for over a year now and I still have no idea how to clip them. They always look lopsided and sometimes I trim them too short. Chomping on them was always so much easier. There was only one objective: chew 'til there was nothing left to chew on.
I have the terrible horrible problem of misjudging people. I tend to think poorly of a person before I get to know them. And sometimes the person that bugged me the most turns out to be someone that I have the most in common with. Eventually I find something that I like and that turns into something better - and I end up going "why was I so hard on this person at first?" .... I need to learn how to give people a chance. It isn't always this way, but I find it happens more often than I'd like to let myself believe.
And sometimes those people that I like right away tend to be the people I should have stayed away from in the first place. How I can be such a terrible judge of character is beyond me. And now that I've admitted that, naturally I can try to fix that. I'm really not a judgmental person, it's just that first impression that steers my decision. Generally I don't give a rip what a person has done or hasn't done - I am pretty easy going on stuff like that. I don't throw stones when I live in a glass house (or something to that effect). And I absolutely hate it when people pass judgment on me.
Moving on...
I wish I could find something to do with my 8 hours a day that makes me happier than what I'm doing right now. It's like being trapped in a cage with a gazillion other mice, and all you have to do is gnaw and pick on each other. The work gets done, it's just the extracurricular activities that make it so mind numbing. It's impossible to tell from day to day who is disliking who and who decided someone else is their best friend. I do like what I do - that's for sure. I don't like what goes on around doing what I'm doing. It's exhausting. It's very hard to place myself outside of it and not let it get to me. It's something I try to do on a daily basis. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes not so much.
That being said, I should really get back to it so.....
Sometimes I make quotation marks with my hands. I do it for emphasis sometimes. It isn't as bad as the character Chris Farley used to play. I?don' t"over use" them. I?don't "look stupid" while doing it. At least I don't think I do.
I absolutely hate it when people end a sentence with the word 'so'. I never know what the person intends with using it. Do you hang around and wait for them to finish their sentence/thought? ... Do you finish it for them? Walk away? A person wouldn't write something and then end it with 'so...', why would you say it? ... DUMB.
I have had fingernails for over a year now and I still have no idea how to clip them. They always look lopsided and sometimes I trim them too short. Chomping on them was always so much easier. There was only one objective: chew 'til there was nothing left to chew on.
I have the terrible horrible problem of misjudging people. I tend to think poorly of a person before I get to know them. And sometimes the person that bugged me the most turns out to be someone that I have the most in common with. Eventually I find something that I like and that turns into something better - and I end up going "why was I so hard on this person at first?" .... I need to learn how to give people a chance. It isn't always this way, but I find it happens more often than I'd like to let myself believe.
And sometimes those people that I like right away tend to be the people I should have stayed away from in the first place. How I can be such a terrible judge of character is beyond me. And now that I've admitted that, naturally I can try to fix that. I'm really not a judgmental person, it's just that first impression that steers my decision. Generally I don't give a rip what a person has done or hasn't done - I am pretty easy going on stuff like that. I don't throw stones when I live in a glass house (or something to that effect). And I absolutely hate it when people pass judgment on me.
Moving on...
I wish I could find something to do with my 8 hours a day that makes me happier than what I'm doing right now. It's like being trapped in a cage with a gazillion other mice, and all you have to do is gnaw and pick on each other. The work gets done, it's just the extracurricular activities that make it so mind numbing. It's impossible to tell from day to day who is disliking who and who decided someone else is their best friend. I do like what I do - that's for sure. I don't like what goes on around doing what I'm doing. It's exhausting. It's very hard to place myself outside of it and not let it get to me. It's something I try to do on a daily basis. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes not so much.
That being said, I should really get back to it so.....
7.22.2005
ODDS & ENDS
Sometimes when I'm at a stop sign I will unknowingly turn on my blinker even when I have no intention of turning. I don't realize I've done it until I'm through the intersection. I hate it when that happens.
Today the split ends of my hair carry far more entertainment value than work. They are riveting. I could spend hours....and when I find a really split hair it's an accomplishment. Bonus! Then I get to pull it off or split it up even further. Hair is absolutely captivating today. I'm surprised I could pull myself away to type this up.
I see someone almost everyday who walks with no smile. Straight forward is the gaze and the nose is in the air. I've seen people leave funerals happier than this person generally looks. Maybe she is mourning the loss of her personality.
Cold Stone Ice Cream is great. It's spendy, but sometimes it's well worth the treat. I had Oatmeal Cookie Batter last time I was there. I could have sworn it was the real thing. Oatmeal included. It's one of their flavors that are going out of rotation. I hope to have it again before it's gone forever.
The Banana Cream Pie blizzard at DQ isn't so bad either.
Speaking of sweets, Baker Boy frozen cookie dough has been a weakness lately. 24 or so frozen little round cookies hang around in the freezer waiting to be our dessert. They're so great. I recommend the M&M Cookie ones. Go get some!
I'm heading for home tonight. I think it's supposed to get ugly outside sometime and I hope it doesn't do it while I'm trying to get to Minot. Otherwise I'll just have to leave on Saturday instead. Julia and I are going to hang out and spend some quality time. I'm looking forward to it.
If anybody knows anything about getting a morphine drip on an IV rack at work - the kind with the rescue push button - let me know. I think I need to make that investment. So far Skelaxin, Tramadol and Esgic haven't helped all that much. I don't know if that's big time medication, but it hasn't done dick for my pain. The Lorcet was helpful, but far too short lived. DRUGS! I NEED DRUGS!
Well, okay maybe all I really need is a beer. That would suffice nicely.
Anyway, I think I've said all I need to say. I need to get back to picking at my hair.
PS - Yes I am aware that there was a nasty storm last night. No, I didn't suffer any damages. I live in an apartment building. Yep - with a garage. Yeah it was pretty scary.
That ought to cover the rest of the afternoon!
Sometimes when I'm at a stop sign I will unknowingly turn on my blinker even when I have no intention of turning. I don't realize I've done it until I'm through the intersection. I hate it when that happens.
Today the split ends of my hair carry far more entertainment value than work. They are riveting. I could spend hours....and when I find a really split hair it's an accomplishment. Bonus! Then I get to pull it off or split it up even further. Hair is absolutely captivating today. I'm surprised I could pull myself away to type this up.
I see someone almost everyday who walks with no smile. Straight forward is the gaze and the nose is in the air. I've seen people leave funerals happier than this person generally looks. Maybe she is mourning the loss of her personality.
Cold Stone Ice Cream is great. It's spendy, but sometimes it's well worth the treat. I had Oatmeal Cookie Batter last time I was there. I could have sworn it was the real thing. Oatmeal included. It's one of their flavors that are going out of rotation. I hope to have it again before it's gone forever.
The Banana Cream Pie blizzard at DQ isn't so bad either.
Speaking of sweets, Baker Boy frozen cookie dough has been a weakness lately. 24 or so frozen little round cookies hang around in the freezer waiting to be our dessert. They're so great. I recommend the M&M Cookie ones. Go get some!
I'm heading for home tonight. I think it's supposed to get ugly outside sometime and I hope it doesn't do it while I'm trying to get to Minot. Otherwise I'll just have to leave on Saturday instead. Julia and I are going to hang out and spend some quality time. I'm looking forward to it.
If anybody knows anything about getting a morphine drip on an IV rack at work - the kind with the rescue push button - let me know. I think I need to make that investment. So far Skelaxin, Tramadol and Esgic haven't helped all that much. I don't know if that's big time medication, but it hasn't done dick for my pain. The Lorcet was helpful, but far too short lived. DRUGS! I NEED DRUGS!
Well, okay maybe all I really need is a beer. That would suffice nicely.
Anyway, I think I've said all I need to say. I need to get back to picking at my hair.
PS - Yes I am aware that there was a nasty storm last night. No, I didn't suffer any damages. I live in an apartment building. Yep - with a garage. Yeah it was pretty scary.
That ought to cover the rest of the afternoon!
7.18.2005
CALM LIKE A BOMB
Mood:Make the pain go away!
Listening to: Modest Mouse
Lately I have been besieged by many aches and pains thanks to the miracle of physiology and anatomy. A particular disk in my lower back is out of place and "bulging" and pressing on some important nerves that run down my leg. Usually it's the left leg that is affected, but today the right leg has been hurting too. Along with the constant straining muscles and the tightness to the point of getting out of bed being the worst part of my day - THINGS ARE JUST PEACHY WITH ME. I've been seeing a physical therapist and last week I swore I was on the road to recovery, but the weekend sorta put a damper on that excitement. I don't know what happened to change the course of recovery, but I feel back to about where I started. I am going to learn stabilization exercises this week so hopefully I can strengthen the muscles that maybe let this happen or something. I guess I'm not exactly sure how something like this happens or worsens. All I know is I'm in agony with little relief in sight.
So I suppose that makes me crabby.
Julia started eating cereal on Saturday. She caught on pretty quickly and seems to like the stuff well enough. In the next month or so I think we'll start the jar foods. I can't believe how fast she's growing up. She's so sweet. And finally going to bed without a big production. She is a very happy girl.
Me, on the other hand, I've got my issues I guess. I hate it when I get stressed out about things that I shouldn't get stressed out about. I've always been good about letting those little things get to me though. I can't make everybody happy all of the time, and even when I think I'm doing my best at accomplishing the impossible, things fall apart or go awry and I've let somebody down again. Always unintentionally. There are always the things that matter most and I guess I've just got to keep my eye on those things come hell or high water and let the rest of it roll off my back. Otherwise, well.....fuck....maybe that's how I ended up with all this back pain in the first place.
And then Atlas shrugged his(her) shoulders?
I was 100% sure of a trip to Minot next weekend, and then I'm informed that my friend Lisa might be accompanying her husband Chris to Bismarck. I haven't seen her since September when I was barely showing and she needs to meet Julia. We've been friends since Jr. High so it will be nice if she comes along. Just another one of those wrenches that get thrown into my plans. I hate to be the type of person who can't set firm plans, and I don't feel like I am that person - but it always seems to happen this way. And again, I don't know when I'll know if Lisa is coming along.
Things at the Root household are pleasant and pretty upbeat lately. We've got the cutest little girl there ever was and a semi-clean apartment most of the time. Not alot of worries but on the horizon comes what could be a barrage of concern and displeasure. We are living in an apartment that is pretty spendy and it would be nice to find something cheaper, but we don't want to move. Moving sucks ass. We need to have a flexible lease like the one we have in case we end up moving sooner than anticipated. The future holds so much uncertainty. I try to find the good in it. I try to get my mind pumped up for a new job and new surroundings. New friends and a chance to start over in a lot of areas. Sometimes I'm capable of it but other times it's far too easy to curl up in the comfort of familiar surroundings. I feel like I'm making headway on some great friendships lately and the last thing I want is to have something else to miss when I'm gone. I know it will all be okay, as it always is, but it doesn't stop me from worrying about it.
So I'll just go right ahead and put that whole world right back on my shoulders. Backache be damned I guess.
Mood:Make the pain go away!
Listening to: Modest Mouse
Lately I have been besieged by many aches and pains thanks to the miracle of physiology and anatomy. A particular disk in my lower back is out of place and "bulging" and pressing on some important nerves that run down my leg. Usually it's the left leg that is affected, but today the right leg has been hurting too. Along with the constant straining muscles and the tightness to the point of getting out of bed being the worst part of my day - THINGS ARE JUST PEACHY WITH ME. I've been seeing a physical therapist and last week I swore I was on the road to recovery, but the weekend sorta put a damper on that excitement. I don't know what happened to change the course of recovery, but I feel back to about where I started. I am going to learn stabilization exercises this week so hopefully I can strengthen the muscles that maybe let this happen or something. I guess I'm not exactly sure how something like this happens or worsens. All I know is I'm in agony with little relief in sight.
So I suppose that makes me crabby.
Julia started eating cereal on Saturday. She caught on pretty quickly and seems to like the stuff well enough. In the next month or so I think we'll start the jar foods. I can't believe how fast she's growing up. She's so sweet. And finally going to bed without a big production. She is a very happy girl.
Me, on the other hand, I've got my issues I guess. I hate it when I get stressed out about things that I shouldn't get stressed out about. I've always been good about letting those little things get to me though. I can't make everybody happy all of the time, and even when I think I'm doing my best at accomplishing the impossible, things fall apart or go awry and I've let somebody down again. Always unintentionally. There are always the things that matter most and I guess I've just got to keep my eye on those things come hell or high water and let the rest of it roll off my back. Otherwise, well.....fuck....maybe that's how I ended up with all this back pain in the first place.
And then Atlas shrugged his(her) shoulders?
I was 100% sure of a trip to Minot next weekend, and then I'm informed that my friend Lisa might be accompanying her husband Chris to Bismarck. I haven't seen her since September when I was barely showing and she needs to meet Julia. We've been friends since Jr. High so it will be nice if she comes along. Just another one of those wrenches that get thrown into my plans. I hate to be the type of person who can't set firm plans, and I don't feel like I am that person - but it always seems to happen this way. And again, I don't know when I'll know if Lisa is coming along.
Things at the Root household are pleasant and pretty upbeat lately. We've got the cutest little girl there ever was and a semi-clean apartment most of the time. Not alot of worries but on the horizon comes what could be a barrage of concern and displeasure. We are living in an apartment that is pretty spendy and it would be nice to find something cheaper, but we don't want to move. Moving sucks ass. We need to have a flexible lease like the one we have in case we end up moving sooner than anticipated. The future holds so much uncertainty. I try to find the good in it. I try to get my mind pumped up for a new job and new surroundings. New friends and a chance to start over in a lot of areas. Sometimes I'm capable of it but other times it's far too easy to curl up in the comfort of familiar surroundings. I feel like I'm making headway on some great friendships lately and the last thing I want is to have something else to miss when I'm gone. I know it will all be okay, as it always is, but it doesn't stop me from worrying about it.
So I'll just go right ahead and put that whole world right back on my shoulders. Backache be damned I guess.
7.07.2005
WHAT THE FONT?!
I don't know if anybody else has noticed, but the damn font is different ever since I edited one of my posts the other week. Now it looks stupid! POO! I know this has happened before, but I don't know how it got changed back. Oh well, maybe it's time for a new look anyway.
I (don't) HAVE THE POWER!
Will Powern.
The strength of will to carry out one's decisions, wishes, or plans.
I learned the word 'will power' at an early age. I needed this super-human power to stop chewing my fingernails to stubs and to stop sucking on my fingers (some people suck a thumb. Me, I went for the gusto and chomped middle and ring finger of the right hand). I needed will power to stop twirling my hair into knots. I always needed it and couldn't manage to dig it up from anywhere inside.
Yes, it's true. I'm weak. I have been this way since birth I swear.
Although I have managed to stop with the endless fingernail chewing. It's been a year and currently only the thumbs have been gnawed to bits. My pointer finger on the left hand is a casualty of my compuslive behavior only because I had a snag with no nail clipper in sight. So I've got that going for me...
It's scary how very little control I have. I wasn't born with it. It's something I have to consciously muster from my own soul. I can't walk away from a cookie in much the same way that I can't walk around the block for fun as often as I know I should. There isn't alot of t hings I do for my health that I know I should. It's not that I don't care, I just haven't found the strength to keep up the things that I start. I know I have a problem with this, and I'd like to fix it.
Stupid will power! It intimidated me when I was younger and I didn't fully understand the meaning of the word. I didn't realize it would follow me as I got older. Some things just come easy for people. Some things require constant effort for others. It isn't fair - that's for sure.
Health Evangelism
My sister Sandy enjoys being healthy. She loves the energy and tiny clothes that are all a part of being slim and trim. She eats fruits and vegetables and drinks juice. She doesn't like things that hurt the environment and she doesn't like things that are wasteful. She likes the idea of recylcing. She is organically charged and naturally beautiful.
Some of us, on the other hand aren't. And probably won't be. Ever.
And that is okay.
Sometimes our healthevangelism becomes like a religion.
AND I AM NOT YET HEALED!
I don't know if anybody else has noticed, but the damn font is different ever since I edited one of my posts the other week. Now it looks stupid! POO! I know this has happened before, but I don't know how it got changed back. Oh well, maybe it's time for a new look anyway.
I (don't) HAVE THE POWER!
Will Powern.
The strength of will to carry out one's decisions, wishes, or plans.
I learned the word 'will power' at an early age. I needed this super-human power to stop chewing my fingernails to stubs and to stop sucking on my fingers (some people suck a thumb. Me, I went for the gusto and chomped middle and ring finger of the right hand). I needed will power to stop twirling my hair into knots. I always needed it and couldn't manage to dig it up from anywhere inside.
Yes, it's true. I'm weak. I have been this way since birth I swear.
Although I have managed to stop with the endless fingernail chewing. It's been a year and currently only the thumbs have been gnawed to bits. My pointer finger on the left hand is a casualty of my compuslive behavior only because I had a snag with no nail clipper in sight. So I've got that going for me...
It's scary how very little control I have. I wasn't born with it. It's something I have to consciously muster from my own soul. I can't walk away from a cookie in much the same way that I can't walk around the block for fun as often as I know I should. There isn't alot of t hings I do for my health that I know I should. It's not that I don't care, I just haven't found the strength to keep up the things that I start. I know I have a problem with this, and I'd like to fix it.
Stupid will power! It intimidated me when I was younger and I didn't fully understand the meaning of the word. I didn't realize it would follow me as I got older. Some things just come easy for people. Some things require constant effort for others. It isn't fair - that's for sure.
Health Evangelism
My sister Sandy enjoys being healthy. She loves the energy and tiny clothes that are all a part of being slim and trim. She eats fruits and vegetables and drinks juice. She doesn't like things that hurt the environment and she doesn't like things that are wasteful. She likes the idea of recylcing. She is organically charged and naturally beautiful.
Some of us, on the other hand aren't. And probably won't be. Ever.
And that is okay.
Sometimes our healthevangelism becomes like a religion.
AND I AM NOT YET HEALED!
6.21.2005
I GOT A QUESTION
What the shit is a Holla Back Girl and why the fuck ain't Gwen Stefani one of them?
Oh, and how exactly would one know if she was a Holla Back Girl?
Is it a club I have to join? Are there dues for this club?
Is there a uniform required?
Anyway...on with the show.
STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.
No kidding.
Mood: Sleepy and generally blah
Listening to: Alone in Kyoto - Air
I have a sour stomach lately. I think it has something to do with my endless Diet Coke consumption because I have acquired a new habit. It could also be the chocolate I keep running into. Rob is trying to turn me into a coffee fiend and that doesn't help either. This all runs into the 'generally blah' I mentioned above.
I could so sleep right now.
Mom and Craig came to Bismarck Monday night for dinner and arrived just in time for Julia's nightly Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde antics. She gets downright silly after 7pm. She goes from smiling to crying in 3.2 seconds. Entertaining yes, but baby needs to be in bed by 8. If I could get Grandma or Grandpa (or anybody for that matter) to come and visit more often I wouldn't have been bothered with the whole issue but it seems to be too big of a chore to drive 100 miles. And it shouldn't be. I'm as new at this new family stuff as the rest of us, although I don't understand why I continue to try be the glue when it seems nobody wants to stick. It's not about me anymore. It's about Julia. She needs this family and she needs to get to know them. I fear for the day we move away and it becomes even harder to get people together. I want her to know her family and it seems like it's such a task. 100 miles is going to seem like nothing compared to 1400 miles. I'm basically getting sick of feeling like I'm begging my family to visit. I feel like it should be the other way around.
We could be living in fucking Alaska and it wouldn't be a helluva lot different. It's embarassing for me - and I am embarassed to admit that. I love everybody so very much and I feel guilty for letting the thoughts of disappointment even cross my brain but I've been pressing them further and further down and losing sleep. I've been practicing confrontational conversations in my brain and it's making me weary. I'd throw my hands up in defeat, but I don't want to let my daughter down.
I know everybody works. I know everybody has lives and responsibilities and everything. I guess I was just hoping for more. More of something. More something than we ever were. I don't know why I expected anything to change but I always had hope that it would. I mean, I see Julia everyday and the only thing that ever makes me sad is that there aren't more people around to enjoy her.
I don't want the people I love to be strangers to my little girl. To their granddaughter/cousin/neice ... it's a heartwrenching thought. It's never too late to change this situation. I just don't know what else to do.
What the shit is a Holla Back Girl and why the fuck ain't Gwen Stefani one of them?
Oh, and how exactly would one know if she was a Holla Back Girl?
Is it a club I have to join? Are there dues for this club?
Is there a uniform required?
Anyway...on with the show.
STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.
No kidding.
Mood: Sleepy and generally blah
Listening to: Alone in Kyoto - Air
I have a sour stomach lately. I think it has something to do with my endless Diet Coke consumption because I have acquired a new habit. It could also be the chocolate I keep running into. Rob is trying to turn me into a coffee fiend and that doesn't help either. This all runs into the 'generally blah' I mentioned above.
I could so sleep right now.
Mom and Craig came to Bismarck Monday night for dinner and arrived just in time for Julia's nightly Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde antics. She gets downright silly after 7pm. She goes from smiling to crying in 3.2 seconds. Entertaining yes, but baby needs to be in bed by 8. If I could get Grandma or Grandpa (or anybody for that matter) to come and visit more often I wouldn't have been bothered with the whole issue but it seems to be too big of a chore to drive 100 miles. And it shouldn't be. I'm as new at this new family stuff as the rest of us, although I don't understand why I continue to try be the glue when it seems nobody wants to stick. It's not about me anymore. It's about Julia. She needs this family and she needs to get to know them. I fear for the day we move away and it becomes even harder to get people together. I want her to know her family and it seems like it's such a task. 100 miles is going to seem like nothing compared to 1400 miles. I'm basically getting sick of feeling like I'm begging my family to visit. I feel like it should be the other way around.
We could be living in fucking Alaska and it wouldn't be a helluva lot different. It's embarassing for me - and I am embarassed to admit that. I love everybody so very much and I feel guilty for letting the thoughts of disappointment even cross my brain but I've been pressing them further and further down and losing sleep. I've been practicing confrontational conversations in my brain and it's making me weary. I'd throw my hands up in defeat, but I don't want to let my daughter down.
I know everybody works. I know everybody has lives and responsibilities and everything. I guess I was just hoping for more. More of something. More something than we ever were. I don't know why I expected anything to change but I always had hope that it would. I mean, I see Julia everyday and the only thing that ever makes me sad is that there aren't more people around to enjoy her.
I don't want the people I love to be strangers to my little girl. To their granddaughter/cousin/neice ... it's a heartwrenching thought. It's never too late to change this situation. I just don't know what else to do.
6.13.2005
THIS TRANSMISSION IS COMING TO YOU...
...We got it.
It seems like I can't get a minute to sit down and write about stuff much anymore. Rob is doing schoolwork alot of the time and I have been spending my free moments trying to make a cute scrapbook for Julia. I hate feeling like I'm neglecting this site - because I know there are lots of things I'd like to blabber about.
There are many nuptuals these days. It's one of those spring traditions that sends me to the Lifestyle pages of the newspaper every Sunday to see the new engagements and weddings. It's incredible how many people I know of that are getting hitched. Someday it's gonna be me.
Julia is growing into such a beautiful girl. She has definitely reached her 3 month old temperament. She demands attention and never wants to go to bed at night. I know that mom and dad are much too interesting to be kept out of sight for a mere second, but we are trying to find a way to help her back into her own independence. She's a ton of fun though. She is starting to giggle and roll over. It's crazy how fast time is flying by. She's almost fitting into 3-6mo clothes, which is exciting because that's a whole 'nother wardrobe to wear!
When issues with baby such as the sleep issue we are currently suffering from arise, I usually check out babycenter.com for ideas or similar stories from other mothers. Fortunately, places like that also give me reassurance that things aren't that bad and that we probably have it relatively easy. I think we're on the right track with how we're handling it. It's just the handling it part that is hard. Still 'riding the waves' around here.
But other than that, things have been going pretty good for me. I have been spending my time with my family and the couple of close friends I've made recently. It's nice having relationships with people who understand what I'm going through and where I've been. I had been so used to the surfacy egomaniacal short-lived relationships - it's nice to finally breathe that fresh air. It comes with the relief that perhaps I've found that place where I was meant to be all along.
We still haven't won the lottery
I REALLY want a Mac G5 but I can't rationalize the payments
We're gonna get a new bed here soon
Anyway I'm gonna go. Quality time is in short supply these days.
...We got it.
It seems like I can't get a minute to sit down and write about stuff much anymore. Rob is doing schoolwork alot of the time and I have been spending my free moments trying to make a cute scrapbook for Julia. I hate feeling like I'm neglecting this site - because I know there are lots of things I'd like to blabber about.
There are many nuptuals these days. It's one of those spring traditions that sends me to the Lifestyle pages of the newspaper every Sunday to see the new engagements and weddings. It's incredible how many people I know of that are getting hitched. Someday it's gonna be me.
Julia is growing into such a beautiful girl. She has definitely reached her 3 month old temperament. She demands attention and never wants to go to bed at night. I know that mom and dad are much too interesting to be kept out of sight for a mere second, but we are trying to find a way to help her back into her own independence. She's a ton of fun though. She is starting to giggle and roll over. It's crazy how fast time is flying by. She's almost fitting into 3-6mo clothes, which is exciting because that's a whole 'nother wardrobe to wear!
When issues with baby such as the sleep issue we are currently suffering from arise, I usually check out babycenter.com for ideas or similar stories from other mothers. Fortunately, places like that also give me reassurance that things aren't that bad and that we probably have it relatively easy. I think we're on the right track with how we're handling it. It's just the handling it part that is hard. Still 'riding the waves' around here.
But other than that, things have been going pretty good for me. I have been spending my time with my family and the couple of close friends I've made recently. It's nice having relationships with people who understand what I'm going through and where I've been. I had been so used to the surfacy egomaniacal short-lived relationships - it's nice to finally breathe that fresh air. It comes with the relief that perhaps I've found that place where I was meant to be all along.
We still haven't won the lottery
I REALLY want a Mac G5 but I can't rationalize the payments
We're gonna get a new bed here soon
Anyway I'm gonna go. Quality time is in short supply these days.
5.23.2005
OH ME OH MAMA
I never thought that I would change "that much" when I became a mother. I thought that my personality and my sense of humor would stay the same and the only thing that would change is that - well - I'd have a kid and less of a social life.
Which was fine because my social life hadn't been happening for a long time, and I wanted a baby. In one way or another.
Things are different. Anybody out there who is a mom already has probably already scoffed at my first sentence. It was one of those crazy wide open out there statements that I tend to make. Pfft... like being a mother WOULDN'T change a person right?
But here's the thing.... I feel like I'm more of a human being now than I ever was before. It's not just the "finding a purpose" aspect of it, it's that my life is so much richer and more colorful. I have a 10 pound entertainment center that coos and smiles. I am not excited to leave home very often. I'm more excited to make home my destination.
I laugh more. I probably cry more too - but I don't know what that's all about. Julia's smiles are so contagious that even when she's not right in front of me I'm beaming.
I've found so much security and warmth in my little family pod. It really is the greatest gift, even when half of it is crying for an hour straight for a reason I have yet to figure out. I'm her mommy and some day she'll realize what mommy means and I'll have found that new identity of mine has new meaning once again.
I don't want to romanticise the whole thing. Babies are hard work. It's alot easier work when it's done in pairs. It's way easier work when there isn't much to stress about. It's the easiest job in the world when you get a toothless grin as a reward.
Or a silly cheeky look.
SPONGEBOB KITEY PANTS
Rob and I bought a couple of cheap kites a few weeks back and finally got to test them out tonight. We went to the Capitol and met up with Jill and her little 2 year old son Cole. Rob bought extra string for the Spongebob kite so it was flying super high. Cole and Jill manned the Super Grover. It was so fun to see Cole's excited face.
Rob lost the string and went diving to the ground to get it as it flew away. He caught it though - but not without getting grass stains all the way up his shirt.
A 40-something woman was walking around the Capitol grounds and she was so excited to see someone flying a kite. She said that she had seen kites in the air but never saw anybody actually flying one. She was pretty hesitant when Rob offered to let her fly a kite since she had never done it, but she got the courage and tried it. I have never seen anyone so excited to fly a kite. It was very sweet to see her so thrilled with something I would have never considered a huge thrill. She said we were the 'nicest people' but I think the nicest person there was her.
I mean, she thought a Spongebob kite was 'beautiful'
Zoinks, yo.
I never thought that I would change "that much" when I became a mother. I thought that my personality and my sense of humor would stay the same and the only thing that would change is that - well - I'd have a kid and less of a social life.
Which was fine because my social life hadn't been happening for a long time, and I wanted a baby. In one way or another.
Things are different. Anybody out there who is a mom already has probably already scoffed at my first sentence. It was one of those crazy wide open out there statements that I tend to make. Pfft... like being a mother WOULDN'T change a person right?
But here's the thing.... I feel like I'm more of a human being now than I ever was before. It's not just the "finding a purpose" aspect of it, it's that my life is so much richer and more colorful. I have a 10 pound entertainment center that coos and smiles. I am not excited to leave home very often. I'm more excited to make home my destination.
I laugh more. I probably cry more too - but I don't know what that's all about. Julia's smiles are so contagious that even when she's not right in front of me I'm beaming.
I've found so much security and warmth in my little family pod. It really is the greatest gift, even when half of it is crying for an hour straight for a reason I have yet to figure out. I'm her mommy and some day she'll realize what mommy means and I'll have found that new identity of mine has new meaning once again.
I don't want to romanticise the whole thing. Babies are hard work. It's alot easier work when it's done in pairs. It's way easier work when there isn't much to stress about. It's the easiest job in the world when you get a toothless grin as a reward.
Or a silly cheeky look.
SPONGEBOB KITEY PANTS
Rob and I bought a couple of cheap kites a few weeks back and finally got to test them out tonight. We went to the Capitol and met up with Jill and her little 2 year old son Cole. Rob bought extra string for the Spongebob kite so it was flying super high. Cole and Jill manned the Super Grover. It was so fun to see Cole's excited face.
Rob lost the string and went diving to the ground to get it as it flew away. He caught it though - but not without getting grass stains all the way up his shirt.
A 40-something woman was walking around the Capitol grounds and she was so excited to see someone flying a kite. She said that she had seen kites in the air but never saw anybody actually flying one. She was pretty hesitant when Rob offered to let her fly a kite since she had never done it, but she got the courage and tried it. I have never seen anyone so excited to fly a kite. It was very sweet to see her so thrilled with something I would have never considered a huge thrill. She said we were the 'nicest people' but I think the nicest person there was her.
I mean, she thought a Spongebob kite was 'beautiful'
Zoinks, yo.
