Mood: I can't describe it.
What's On: Guess.. Roseanne.
Bleh.
Well, the rundown from the weekend is a good one. I had such a great Saturday. The zoo, the park, the river - some drinks and a nap. Followed by a huge walk. Saturday was quality. I'm looking forward to the next day like that.
I feel like I'm sorta mood swingy - but really I'm not. I've been feeling pretty crappy since late last night. I don't even know why it all came over me, but it did and I've been trying to suck it all up to no avail.
It was 3 years ago that I had to let go of the part of my life I wasn't sure I even wanted. I was so unsure, but I was just getting to the point of acceptance and joy when I lost it. 3 years is a long time, and while I know that an enormous part of that grief is gone, I will still carry a part of it with me the rest of my life. It isn't an every day kind of thing - it's just one of those 'once in a while' deals that sneaks up at the strangest times. Perhaps a part of it comes from not knowing when I'll be able to experience that again. Sometimes I feel like I am SO absolutely ready to get on with that part of my life. I know that I don't get to experience the displeasures of having a child when I spend time with my sister and Gavyn. I realize that when I leave, I get to go on with my life in Wendyland and my sister doesn't have that luxury anymore. She's made alot of sacrificies. So maybe, I ignorantly envy her. But what if that longing is genuine?
It's something I don't completely understand because I've only experienced roughly 12 weeks of the lifetime of sacrifices and giving that it takes to bring a child into this world and teach it something of value to grow on. I know that alot of that time was spent being apprehensive, but I was excited.
There is also this part of me that is so scared about my chances of EVER experiencing this in my life. I don't know what my future holds as far as my health is concerned in "those areas." Especially lately with the more recent developments. I know that nothing is ever certain and I am not doing myself any favors by dwelling on it right now, so I guess I thought maybe I'd jot down my thoughts instead of keeping them inside tonight. Because I need to sleep.
I guess what it comes down to is I was so close to this at one time in my life. If things would have "worked out" I would have this somebody I feel like I'm longing for. While all the other situations surrounding that particular 'what if' would have crashed and burned, there is still a part of me that thinks about it. Not the family - that thought doesn't break the surface... just this desire for.....
All in due time. My life and lifestyle aren't ready and I know that I want to be ready - or at least better prepared for when that moment arrives. If it does.
I just needed a girl moment.
I think I'll go now.
Enjoy my daisy.
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